A Girls.Gotta Do What A Girls Gotta.Do From The Musical Who Cracked My Crystal Ball?

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Who Cracked My Crystal Ball?

It seems like so many people are asking for my opinion these days. Normally I cannot give an opinion. They ask my views on international politics, global warming, stock markets abroad, the future of the Eurodollar, the latest Calvin Klein perfume, and other topics I know very little about. Even my wife wants to know what I think. She’s always asking things like, “Honey, does this make me fat?” It doesn’t take a genius to understand that he has only one correct answer to that question.

So the evidence is clear. Either my humble opinion actually applies to a lot of people, or I’m making it snow on a lot of people. I lean towards the latter. Because it requires much less effort on my part.

Most of these misguided people are asking for my opinion just because I’m writing this column. They think that what I think must have some relevance in the world because I can string together thousands of words on a weekly basis in a semi-consistent way. And most weeks this column writes itself. In fact, I don’t consider myself a writer. I see myself as a moody chronicler of life, a good bystander, an existential fly. I’ll be a bystander taking notes on what’s going on around me and running it through his spell checker to report back to you. Think of me as a hall monitor in the Big School of Life. By the way, where is your hall pass?

Most people want my opinion on current events, but others want to know what I think about things that haven’t happened yet, like I’m some kind of psychic hotline operator. “Who do you think will be the next president?” they ask. “Do you think North Korea and South Korea will unite? Do you think there will be a Pope of Ireland? Do you think Prince Charles’ ears will get any bigger? Do you think the new Barbie will be able to wear the old Barbie clothes?” mosquito? ?”

Not to mention the New Year, many people think I can see the future, so I decided to put my psychic abilities to the test. After all, I had nothing to lose and many questions were answered. Questions such as: Can I really see the future? Do I really have the gift of foresight? What’s the best way to make quick money?

I turned down the sound and watched an entire episode of “Baywatch” and went into a deep hypnotic trance, closed my eyes and waited for the vision to come. is cut and the future is visible.

So here are my top 10 predictions for next year.

  1. Lisa Marie Presley announces that she is pregnant with ex-husband Michael Jackson’s child.
  2. Speaking of Michael Jackson, Gaudy Gloved One decides to undergo gender reassignment surgery by the end of the year. Confused doctors would announce that such an operation was not an option as they could not determine Jackson’s gender.
  3. At the 1998 Governors Ball at the White House, Alabama Governor Fob James experiences a painful attack of intestinal gas while dancing with Hillary Clinton. Footage of the attack is shown on news programs across the country, sparking a dance fever that proves to be even more popular than the Macarena. Moga is doing fobs!”
  4. President Bill Clinton will prove not only involved in the fundraising of the Whitewater and Illegal campaigns, but also in the creation of Arch Deluxe.
  5. With no strong candidate to run in the next presidential election, the Republican Party tries to revive Ronald Reagan’s political career. considered to be positive.
  6. Microsoft’s Bill Gates considers entering politics, but will change his mind after failing to add the ‘God of Earth and Hell’ office to a national election.
  7. In a move that shocks the religious world, Pope John Paul resigns from the papacy and begins a successful career as a stand-up comic. Jimmy Smits as Chico.
  8. Infamous TV preachers Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart will star in a remake of the old sitcom ‘Bosom Buddies’. Jim and Jimmy play her two God-fearing men who live in a house full of beautiful women. Neither role is considered a stretch.
  9. The squeaky clean image of basketball great Michael Jordan will be hurt this year when it’s revealed he’s not really bald.
  10. A popular internet humor columnist with the initials HLW will achieve fame and fortune with the publication of the book “Men Are From Venus, Women Are From Beyond.”

Well, what do you know, those people were right. After all, I can see the future. Or maybe it was just a dream brought on by the beer and Polish sausage sandwiches I had when I was hooked on Baywatch. I hope you enjoyed this article, as I was claiming it.

Hey, even psychics have to eat.

Happy New Year everyone!

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